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Cheese and Onion Crisps

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

Cheese and onion crisps have long been the kid picked upon in the playground, spat on in the street, head flushed down the toilet. Humiliated since potatoes became famous and ostracised in the work-place for their seemingly infinite ability to divide lovers and haters in to hardcore factions, cheese and onion flavoured crisp have suffered enormously – and been persecuted by every single ethnic group who are religiously allowed to eat potato – at the hands of almost every person on planet earth with access to a supermarket and the ability to form a basic opinion. (more...)

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VHS

Friday, August 20th, 2010

Guys and girls, we've all experienced it: you're getting to that moment in the film where things are about to get a bit saucy. Yeah! And you are cunning, aren't you? Course you are, you've been giving this some careful thought. So far you've managed to pull off the whole I haven't seen this before and I have no idea about what's going to happen next, honest routine. But here's the thing: you know damn well. You know that although the guy and the girl are, right now, walking down the street and it's all very sombre and innocent, in just twenty seconds or so the film (and hopefully the few square-metres surrounding your couch) is about to get a red hot raging sexual fuel injection. (more...)

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Slamming doors.

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

Nobody likes being on the receiving end of a severely slammed door, but doesn't it feel bloody good to do it yourself? You just can't get the same rush and satisfaction after a heated argument / debate with a landlord / break-up with a girlfriend any other way and generations of people in film / soaps / apartment blocks near you have proved this countless times. But in an age of health and safety and irritatingly thought-about door mechanisms, it seem that slamming doors may soon be on its way out... (more...)

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The Thesaurus

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

If a zookeeper said to the owner of a recently disgraced zoo, “I've had a brilliant stroke of inspiration, want to hear it?” the owner of the zoo might say “sure, like I haven't got enough to do sorting out our legal case against that guy who had half his face bitten off by one of our rare endangered white tigers, what the hell is it?” (more...)

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